Throwing $ at the Shidduch "Crisis": An Explanation
In response to my indignation about throwing money at the shidduch/singles "crisis" (click here), my friend s. (not S.) commented, "dissect and solve the shidduch crisis instead of just criticizing ways people are trying to deal with it." I really wanted to add more to my עורו post (click here) tonight, but instead I'll address the so-called crisis.
First of all, my general criticism is precisely that they are not dealing with it. These novel financial "solutions" merely cover up underlying problems that have resulted in this so-called "crisis."
These are some of the issues I feel need to be dealt with. They are listed in no particular order (except for the first two and the last) and some are interconnected. Some problems apply only in certain communities and some only to certain individuals.
* I generally don't appreciate rabbinic bans, but I would make an exception in these cases.
** Whether because of genetics or circumstances, I really don't care. I'm not at all interested in discussing this further.
First of all, my general criticism is precisely that they are not dealing with it. These novel financial "solutions" merely cover up underlying problems that have resulted in this so-called "crisis."
These are some of the issues I feel need to be dealt with. They are listed in no particular order (except for the first two and the last) and some are interconnected. Some problems apply only in certain communities and some only to certain individuals.
- The check-list bureaucracy that regulates the shidduch process from vetting to the sheva berakhot
- Lack of opportunities for singles to meet naturally and without any pressure
- Management and/or meddling by parents, siblings, friends and others
- Rigid gender separation from day 1
- Unrealistic expectations
- Idealization of the other gender
- Inaccurate self-appraisals
- Shidduch resumes
- Resume conformity
- Feminism (I mean this in the neutral sense)
- Yichus and general insistence on a blemish-free family
- The quality of one's shiduch is determined already by which yeshivah a kid attends in first grade
- Double standard regarding youthful indiscretions among guys and girls
- Background investigations, references and inquisitions
- Increased duration of higher education
- Soliciting the services of mekubalim, graphologists and others who might be considered עובדי ע"ז
- Insincere acceptance of BTs
- Touro College, separate-seating semachot, etc.*
- "Online dating sites are for desperate nebuchs"
- Obsession with looks
- Players (guys) and teasers/users (girls)
- Various taboos (older girls and younger guys, taller girls and shorter guys, younger sister before older sister, etc.)
- Small dating pool for out-of-towners (?)
- And finally, a teeny tiny number of singles are probably not interested in the opposite sex altogether**
* I generally don't appreciate rabbinic bans, but I would make an exception in these cases.
** Whether because of genetics or circumstances, I really don't care. I'm not at all interested in discussing this further.
posted by Lion of Zion at 12:29 AM
49 Comments:
Maybe a rabbinic ban on being single past age 18?
Pretty thorough list but I think you missed a couple--along with increased duration of higher education should be no higher education. And maybe also one I'll call Financial Fairy Land Syndrome--not being financially independent or capable of financing a dating/married life.
Okay, I'll bite. What is neutral feminism?
You have a problem with Touro????
Touro=We don't "hold by torah umadda",but the end result is the same, but with a black velvet yarmulka
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ZVI K:
i think touro performs an important role for the jewish community because it offers the possibility of a degree to some who would otherwise never entertain the idea of going to college.
on the other hand, touro has sapped a lot of religious kids who in a previous generation--i.e., in our generation :)--would have gone to brooklyn/queens college (or even to YU)
how many dates and even marriages do we know of that owe a debt to the kosher caf at brooklyn college? (and as i am oft to quip, the only good thing i ever got in the kosher caf was miriam.)
HAIM:
"Maybe a rabbinic ban on being single past age 18?"
:)
SITTER:
"But Hashem wanted it, and that's why it happened."
it's a nice midrash (although there are different versions with different details)
anyway, hashem wants it, but we still have to make it happen
maybe hashem planned a shidduch for suri and reuven (formerly robert). but they will never get to go out because suri's parents are afraid that if she goes out (and god forbid marries) a BT, this could ruin the chances of her younger sisters to get sug aleph shidduchim.
PROFK:
so you think this $ will help those who can't finance a dating life?
i initially just wrote feminism. but i didn't mean to imply a radical feminism, i.e., that girls think they don't have ever to get married. i meant more the positive fruits of the feminist movement, i.e., the independence that comes from the ability to earn high incomes. so far lack of a better term i wrote neutral feminism
(i'm willing to delete feminism. it was just something that came to me at the last minute, and it was it was late so i might not have been thinking clearly)
Lion Of Zion: that's cool that you met your wife at the kosher cafe. I know a bunch of BC couples and its cute. One actually recently just got married and their both in the same class, so the 7 days before the wedding, they couldn't see each other so they took turns, each one came to class every other day.
I personally don't go to the cafe much, I went my first year a bit, but I never really liked it. Now I just come and go for classes and don't socialize there. I don't think the people there are my type so there's no point.
I think the way people socialize says something about them. I divide it into 2 groups. Those that socialize at the cafe and hang out at the hillel building are usually more modern. Those that don't do that type of socializing are more frum in my opinion, not because of the actions themselves, it just identifies them.
I agree a person has to put in some effort. But every person does have 7 different zivugim, and you have a zivug based on your level. SO if a person is not on the level to marry a BT then that means that have someone else that is meant for them. But if they are doing it for silly non sense reasons, then yea, I agree with you.
a past president of brooklyn college hillel made a joke about "meeting your spouse at the hillel house." in my case, that joke became a reality.
as for problems with shidduch dating, i think one important thing here to remember, relevent or not, is that this is a problem currently plaguing many jewish singles who wish to marry other jews, who are not necessarily in the orthodox community. i cannot begin to tell you how many jewish singles i know in their thirties, and aside from the major difference in communities (they are secular and not separated for years) many have ridiculously high standards for the person they wish to marry, as well as for their backgrounds. they are unrealistic in their expectations of a potential spouse and unrealistic in their views of themselves. the dating pool is smaller once people hit their thirties and the common question (on-line dating or not) is "why can't i find anyone?"
i think what's happening in both segments of the jewish community is that people no longer seem to have a realistic approach to dating and marriage. strangely, the shidduch crisis in the odox community translates more into the bashert crisis in the non-odox-but-want-to-marry-another-jew community. maybe there is one solution that could help both parts of our community.
have an awesome shabbos.
BABYSITTER:
so you go to BC. are you outing yourself here? anyway, when i was in BC there was a wide range of people who hung out in the caf, i don't remember it being all MOs. but i guess if there were people who didn't come i wouldn't have known about it. hillel was not a big hang out place for most people in those days (although bec might disagree?). the EMS squad was a big time jewish hangout and had all types (i was the personnel officer and "wolfish musings" was a member before my time).
"so the 7 days before the wedding, they couldn't see each other so they took turns, each one came to class every other day."
that's pretty funny (although there are different מנהגים with this)
"SO if a person is not on the level to marry a BT "
i don't know what this means
BEC:
"this is a problem currently plaguing many jewish singles who wish to marry other jews, who are not necessarily in the orthodox community"
that's a good point that most of us (myself included) don't really think about. we just assume 40-70% are going to intermarry anyway and we go on with out own lives.
if we're going to throw $ at someone for dating, maybe it should be to non-orthos to encourage endogamy?
Lion Of Zion: What does outing mean?
That's cool that you were the personal officer for the EMS squad. I don't know anyone who's on there now, and I don't even know where they are. I just see the ambulance sitting in the front all day.
yea, it is funny, I would imagine there are different minhagim about this.
About the BT, I was commenting on what you said previously about the "suri and Robert" scenario. But I guess its different where its the parents who don't want the daughter to marry a BT, rather than the daughter themselves choosing. But if the girl herself would choose not to marry a BT, then its because she's not on the level for it. So she has a different zivug planned. Hashem wouldn't expect a person to marry into something their not comfortable with. Again, unless its just a silly thing.
The question about BTs is not regarding the person's madrega!
The question is whether we're willing to entertain the possibility that someone with a different background from our own might have enough in common with us.
Many people are dismissing BTs out of hand for a first date. As someone who dated many BTs and eventually married one, they do not all have the same background or hashkafa. They do not all come with the same baggage.
trilcat: what I meant with the levels isn't on the BT's side. But rather on the one who will go out with them. The person choosing to go out with a BT is on a different (higher) level than the one declining a BT.
Correct, passing judgment on someone you've never met is really a much lower madrega than being "dan l'chaf z'chut"
"Hashem wouldn't expect a person to marry into something their not comfortable with."
why are they not comfortable with it? because of social expectations and other externally-defined categories?
outing is when you reveal something secret about someone (or yourself). outing an anonymous blogger means revealing their identity.
("outing" should not be confused with "coming out of the closet")
Lion Of Zion: Substitute BT with any optional criteria. It's a case of personal preference. Like some people won't go out with red heads, a person is born that way and can't help it, it may seem silly. But to some it really means something to them and they can't just get over it. After all they ask you what you are looking for, so then how could they tell you what to look for.
ahh I see, well I don't think I completely revealed myself. But there are bloggers who know who I am, so yea I was never really anonymous.
I think that's a big part of the reason for the shidduch crisis: people are pre-judging based on meaningless criteria.
Want to get married? Stop pre-judging, and meet people. See how it works with them before you judge them!
I was 27, ffb, overweight, never been married and I ended up marrying a bt, 34, who's divorced +1. Guess what? Neither of us feel like we settled.
I got a wonderful, spiritual husband and a beautiful child (who I don't see nearly enough). My husband got a wife who understands him and in-laws who treat him like one of the family.
I think it must be really miserable when two bt's are married to each other - they have no family to go to for chagim.
And as to my being overweight - it's good that he likes me with extra weight on. I've been pregnant about half of the time we've been married anyway.
BABYSITTER:
"Substitute BT with any optional criteria. It's a case of personal preference.
i'm not clear how being a BT changes who a person is. take a BT and FFB that are identical in all other traits, so how does their BT/FFB status make them different from one another? i'm just not understanding why one could be more preferable than the other.
"Like some people won't go out with red heads"
i happen to think that someone who won't go out with a redhead is an idiot (and this is how i feel about someone i know who only wants a blond), but at least there is an objective difference between a brunette and a redhead. what is the difference btw a BT and an FFB?
"they can't just get over it"
they can't get over it because there is no reason for them to look past it. this was my point in the post about singles being able to meet naturally. you get a bigger picture that way.
TRILCAT:
"I think it must be really miserable when two bt's are married to each other - they have no family to go to for chagim."
why is that bad?
(as an aside, i think it depends on circumstances and how accommodating the family of the BT is willing to be. i know of examples from both ends, very accommodating and not at all accommodating.)
There are sometimes differences between FFBs and BTs hashkafically, especially in terms of getting stuck on details and not seeing the whole.
And of course, there's the whole virgin thing, which certainly disturbs some people. (which is presumably why some people won't date divorcees)
As for not having family to go to - for me it would be lonely not to have family to go to for chagim. Yes, some families of BTs are very accommodating. I've heard of cases of less than accommodating families, including families who get angry when their children won't come to a non-kosher seder...
(I accidentally deleted this comment by Babysitter toward the top
-LOZ)
Here's a little something to Remember:
Remember Yosef who was sold to egypt?
He was the only jew in the whole country!
Where on earth was he going to find himself a jewish wife?
Remember Dina who had a daughter called Osnas?
She was embarrassed of this daughter and wanted her out of sight.
She gave her a necklace that said: Osnas bas Dina bas Yakov.
A malach took Osnas to egypt where she was adopted by the wife of Potifar (a very bad man).
Yosef becomes viceroy of egypt and as he rides through the streets of egypt he sees a lot of egyptian girls trying to get his attention.
He doesn't respond.
Then all of a sudden a girl throws a necklace towards him.
He reads what it says and realizes who she is: his jewish niece.
Pharoh realizes that Yosef has to get married.
Whom can he suggest?
He thinks of some jealous guy who also wanted to become viceroy of egypt: Potifar.
Potifar has an adopted daughter, maybe that's a good idea...
That way Potifar will become important, because his daughter will marry the viceroy.
Pharoh the shadchan suggests it to Yosef.
He agrees right away.
He, the only jewish man in egypt, marries the only jewish girl in egypt.
They have 2 sons who grew up to be such tzadikim, that everyone still blesses his children to this day, to become like Menashe and Efraim.
Had Yosef still been at home and would have seen a piece of paper on which was written: Yosef will be sold to egypt where he will become viceroy and marry the daughter of Potifar, the shadchan being Pharoh himself, he would never have believed it.
But Hashem wanted it, and that's why it happened.
Never mind where you live, never mind what excuses people come up with why you're still not married (something MUST be wrong with you) never mind all those people who spread weird stories about you, your family, your ancestors........
Hashem has His ways and when the time is right, you'll find the right one, no matter what, it was all planned even before you were born!
TRILCAT:
"There are sometimes differences between FFBs and BTs hashkafically"
from my experience this is a more of an individual trait than a strict BT/FFB trait?
"And of course, there's the whole virgin thing . . ."
i guess that fits into the double standard i mentioned in my post. an FFB guy who experiments and then frums out again in time for shidduchim is kosher. not so with a girl with a reputation.
"Yes, some families of BTs are very accommodating."
my mother-in-law is very accommodating. i guess i'm lucky her family is small so these issues don't really come up. the "worst" though is my wife's uncle, who tries to go out of his way to accommodate us but really has no idea what to do. he doesn't give us a problem when we won't eat the kosher-style deli he gets us, but i just feel bad. (we now make sure to bring pizza for everyone when we visit.)
but i had a childhood friend who became a BT in high school and his militant chiloni parents were less than thrilled, to say the least.
trilcat
1. BT does not automatically means sexual experience, just like FFB does not mean virginal.
2. Please define non-ksher seder. Some people (FFB) consider your seder none-kosher if you used garlic or gefilte fish or some other stupidity.
MLEVIN:
i agree with your #1, especially for people who became BT at younger ages
i assume by non-kosher she meant non-kosher. (even real kitniyot doesn't make it hametzdik. who says garlic does? and gefilte fish?)
Lion - my husband works with a Bobov chassid who gave him a whole explanation of how garlic and fish are not kosher for pesach because in the old days people used to store garlic with Chametz, and you never know what that fish ate right before you caught it.
The reason I asked what she meant by non-kosher, because usually those who don't keep kosher do not insist on seder in their home. To them it's about family dinner, something akin Thanksgiving.
mlevin: true. My husband became BT when he was 13.
When I said non-kosher seder, I meant people who would use their year-round dishes, for example.
Actually, the people I was specifically referring to understood that their kids wouldn't EAT at their house, so they wanted to come to the kids, but they didn't understand that the kids would want to say the whole haggada and got upset on the second night that the family insisted on waiting until so late... "let's get the show on the road" came up a few times in conversation...
"including families who get angry when their children won't come to a non-kosher seder..."
is a lot different from
"but they didn't understand that the kids would want to say the whole haggada and got upset on the second night that the family insisted on waiting until so late... "let's get the show on the road" came up a few times in conversation..."
The first one paints BT's parents as wrong, but in the second this particular family members are just zhlobs. There are zhlobs in all families even FFB's. You either deal with them, or don't invite them ever again.
MLEVIN:
i heard about the garlic (though not fish), but the foods asured by communal/familial customs don't actually make something hametzdik, i.e., that would preclude someone with different customs from eating there?
and what's the difference between fish and an animal?
TRILCAT:
our seder thins out as it progresses, esp. after the meal.
and i can't say i've never heard an FFB say "let's get the show on the road" :)
I've heard of the former. I only know the specifics of the latter, so I didn't want to specify about the former.
Regarding the latter, it does make kibud av v'em harder, and honestly, it just generally is easier to have at least some frum relatives.
When I visited my in-laws (they live in America), it was very difficult spending shabbos in a house where people watched tv, ate treif, went shopping on Sat morning and came back to unload groceries, etc.
Fortunately, on the other side of the family, we have parents who we can go to for a Shabbos meal anytime with only a day's warning (we live in easy walking distance)
It's a helpful balance to have one FFB and one BT, imo.
This tendency to say that BTs should marry other BTs is counter-productive.
Lion - haven't you heard of kosher l'pesach eggs, or beef or chicken? That's because 30 days prior to collecting eggs or shechting, these animals did not eat chometz, but since fish lives on the wild and we can't control fish, one never knows when a Mexican dropped his ham and cheese sandwich in the water and your particular fish ate it...
Spending Shabbos in the non-frum household doesn't bother me at all. I do my own thing and they do their own, as long as no one forces anything on the other. I really don't see it as a problem if my MIL or SIL or my parents go shopping on shabbos, or use phone or watch TV. Many times during shabbos, my mom would be talking to my brother over her cell and I just ask her to say hello from me too.
On the other hand there were many occasions when my MIL comes over and cooks for us, because she knows it can't be done in her house. Jewish cooking is Jewish cooking, it tastes the same regardless of where it was cooked.
trilcat: it's not a matter of judgment. It's not a personal thing. I mean there has to be something special between 2 people to be worthy of marriage.
Well that's great, but it only worked because you felt it was an option. It's not a matter of settling.
It's like learning v. working. 2 people can start off wanting different ones. None is first choice and none is second choice, its a preference.
Lion Of Zion: I don't want to be mean to BT's to say why I think people would choose one over the other. But I can see there is a difference.
Now after reading the comments afterwards it looks like you guys already found some differences. So you know there is something there.
It can be positive or negative depending on which way you look at it, which is why some will want it and some won't.
BABYSITTER:
it's not like learning vs. working. that's an actual difference in values/lifestyle. i still fail to see the difference btw a BT and an FFB.
"it looks like you guys already found some differences"
what came up was an (*potential*) issue with the family, not with the BT him/herself. now if this is the problem, here's what i would propose: when a shadchan calls up a guy and says i have the perfect match . . . but she's a BT, the appropriate answer shouldn't be an immediate "no," but rather, "well what's the famliy like." certainly in today's world, where some investigate a potential shidduch to no end, it can't be that much more work to find out if the family is supportive of the BT's lifestyle.
also, the objection to the BT's family doesn't explain why the children of BTs can also be סוג ג. so what's the problem.
regarding the story about יוסף you mentioned above, you do realize that many characters in תנ"ך (and even later) themselves married BTs (and even converts).
finally, even if i would agree (and i don't) that לכתחילה it is preferable not to marry a BT, the whole point is that there is a supposed shidduch "crisis" right now. perhaps it's time to think out of the box. at some point, when a girl/guy gets to a particular age, maybe they should be willing to settle for a BT?
as an aside, the attitude to BTs for shidduchim is just one reason i think large parts of kiruv movement are dishonest in how they portray the life that a potential BT will be embracing.
Lion Of Zion: Ok perhaps you are right. What you say does make sense.
I mean, but me myself, even if its someone thats an FFB if they grew up a certain way I won't agree to go out with them. So how much more so BT's. Unless if they were very little when they became frum.
the babysitter: I wish you a lot of luck finding a shidduch. I can tell you though - if you won't even agree to meet people who don't meet your checklist perfectly, you may end up settling for someone who looks great on paper, but doesn't feel great in your life.
TriLcat: I know you are being sarcastic, but thanx.
But really I don't have a checklist.
babysitter: no, I really do wish you a lot of hatzlacha.
and *everyone* has a checklist.
the question is how flexible you are. If you're completely inflexible about it, you may miss great people. If you're too flexible, you may end up having to have your mom call and have a fake emergency so that you can beg off politely (after 2 hours!)
TriLcat: Thanx then. I appreciate that.
I might be too flexible, so I need my parents to make the checklist for me, on the stuff which I'm flexible about. So something like a BT, I personally don't care, but I believe my parents wouldn't have that as a first choice option.
I think the problem with BT vs FFB, is the same problem between Heimish vs American vs. Yekke vs. Polish vs. Israeli vs. Ashkenaz vs. Sfard. It's simply a lifestyle difference that a lot of people can't cross. Many can, but a most can't, or aren't willing to.
I suspect that many people aren't willing to without even thinking about the implications.
"I might be too flexible, so I need my parents to make the checklist for me, on the stuff which I'm flexible about. So something like a BT, I personally don't care, but I believe my parents wouldn't have that as a first choice option."
I'm very close to my parents and I consulted with them closely when I was dating. But if you need them to make a checklist for you, you might want to re-evaluate whether you're ready to get married and live your own life. Your parents aren't the ones getting married- you are. So what does that mean that "my parents wouldn't have that as a first choice option."
SPORADIC INTEL:
"lifestyle difference"
i'm still not clear what is the essential difference between a BT and an FFB themselves that makes them incompatible. listen, i'm not talking about a BT at chovevei torah (a left-wing MO yeshivah) and a satmar FFB. i'm talking about a boy and a girl who share the same general hashkafah, values, observances, etc. I just don't get what makes them as individuals incompatible.
"Heimish vs American vs. Yekke vs. Polish vs. Israeli vs. Ashkenaz vs. Sfard"
i know too many "mixed" marriages that are very successful (in every way) to make a such a sweeping statement about incompatibility based on these criteria. (although i will say that perhaps ashkenaz and sephard is not a good idea, as sephardi men like to buy jewely for themselves and this can be a shalom bayis problem)
(btw, that was a joke)
"vs. Yekke vs."
i didn't even realize that could still be an issue anymore. i guess that shows how removed i am from what really goes on.
"but a most can't, or aren't willing to"
i think it's more "aren't willing to" than "can't"
TO EVERYONE:
i know the comments here have gone off course and this has become solely about BTs, but the original post was about general reasons why we have a shidduch/singles "crisis." one way to ameliorate this crisis is to start looking at what we have in common with one another rather than how we are (ostensibly in many cases) different.
throwing $ into the equation will not produce results, especially as we continue to make what is considered an appropriate match more and more restrictive.
LOZ: actually, it's the "aren't willing to" that is the very issue at the heart of the shidduch "crisis"
If a man would rather stay single than go out on a date with a woman who's a size 8 to see if maybe he can love her anyway, and a woman would rather stay single than meet a baal tshuva, then of course there is a crisis.
And commenter Abbi: agreed. Imo, parental input should be to make sure that you're not blinded by infatuation, not to tell you where to start.
TRILCAT:
i think we're both basically agreeing. there is a "crisis" because people aren't willing to try something different.
won't it be great when humans are cloned. then you can just marry the most perfect match, i.e., yourself.
oh no no no! Two of me would NEVER make it in one household!
commenter Abbi: ok, I don't think what I said came out too right. It's more like I see 2 sides, and both make sense, and then I have to choose, and it can be hard to choose, so its easier when others make the decision for me. Unless I have my own opinion on it, and I see it as very strong. Sometimes I envision my parents having one opinion towards something and that is why I chose it, cause I believe it is what is right, that they know best.
Lion Of Zion: lately I've seen a lot of marriages of sefardi girl's and chassidish men, I think it has become in style.
getting back on topic, "one way to ameliorate this crisis is to start looking at what we have in common with one another rather than how we are (ostensibly in many cases) different." I agree.
TriLcat: the thing is that people don't want to settle. I think it's what LOZ said, that people aren't willing to give first chances. More than the whole detail thing. I mean even think of a food you don't like, you might have a natural prejudice towards a certain food because of the smell or look or anything, you can't be blamed for how you feel toward the food, it just sin't your taste. But then if there were a way for someone to get you to taste that food in a way where your not thinking about it, then perhaps you may like it, and perhaps not. But you can't be blamed for your tastes.
It's natural for a person to dread going to school or work or stuff like that, so a person can look at dating someone with traits that they don't find so appealing the same way. However, once they have a chance to encounter the person they may find their prejudice were nothing, or they may be confirmed. But till the person has a chance it makes sense that they would rather sit at home.
Lion of Zion: a quote to go along with that, "my opinion of an agreeable person, is someone who agrees with me".
My parents are of a "mixed" marriage. 4th generation American, to a Hard core Hungarian, so i have no problem. I was just equating the BT vs FFB, to this type of "mix". Truthfully, it doesn't make a difference, and it shouldn't, but for those who are looking they will find differences in menhagim and mentality...
babysitter, you sound like a very nice and well meaning girl and I'm sure it's difficult to fully express yourself just through comments. But a comment like this- "It's more like I see 2 sides, and both make sense, and then I have to choose, and it can be hard to choose, so its easier when others make the decision for me." still doesn't make it seem like you're really ready to take such an adult plunge like marriage.
I'm not saying mature people don't have difficulty making decisions, especially when both sides seem right or great. However, despite sometimes having difficulties, grown ups still don't feel the need to turn to others to make decisions for them.
Like I said, this doesn't exclude having close consultation with your parents, asking their advice or their opinions. However, I sincerely hope that no matter how much advice you ask of them, they will encourage you to make important decisions (including marriage) on your own. And if you can't (or they can't or won't let you) I would respectfully suggest that you are not ready to make such a decision.
commenter Abbi: Thanx, you may be right.
But see here the thing is, even when I do make my decisions I always feel that other people are more right than me, and I have to listen to them and that I can't stick with my decision.
Example, just now I wanted to spend today catching up on reading blogs and following up on comments and stuff. I know that's not very productive, but it was gonna be my way of enjoying the day. Then someone calls me up and asks me to babysit. Now I really didn't want to, 1 because the kid is very hard, attached to her mother and keeps crying. 2 because I wanted to spend the day catching up with the blogs. So I told the mother that I wanted to catch up with things today, but she said that its very important, so I said, "if it's really important and you really need me, then I guess I could". So now I'm gonna have to babysit for 2 1/2 hours when I really didn't want to. But I had no choice, I couldn't stick with my decision. I can't be mean and say plain out no that I don't want to. She needs me and that's more important, so I have to give it up.
So it becomes, do I even have a choice in the first place? you may say I do, but theoretically it's not a choice if it has to be given up at the end.
SPORADIC INTEL:
"to a Hard core Hungarian"
lucky you. i'll bet you eat real well
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